Push

It's the home stretch — dead week, then finals, then done. But not really. I'll still have an interview for Teach for America and assignments to make up for the incomplete classes I'm taking this semester. The pre-interview process for Teach for America has been really time consuming, but once I finish that, it'll be a whole load of stress off of me for an entire year at least (presuming I get in and won't have to worry about what I'm doing after graduation). I'll have the entire summer and fall semester if I need it to finish the incomplete assignments, so I'm not terribly worried. Recovery is the main goal right now.

In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can while my ability to be productive is crippled. Despite the violent anxiety building in my chest every time I sit down to write, I'm pushing myself to work as much as I can. I'm not sure if it's depression or subconscious associations, but I'm no longer able to work in my bedroom. As a result, I've been changing it up, getting outside, seeing people I know, or going to coffee shops to work. Oftentimes, I've shut myself away in a library for hours at a time to complete an assignment that would otherwise take me a fraction of that time. Although I don't know why I'm always mentally exhausted (or I know why, but I'm not satisfied with the explanation), I am recognizing that it is a legitimate concern and I'm allowing myself to take breaks after completing a task. I know I will be able to accomplish everything I want to do, but I'll have to accept that it'll take more time than I'd like.

I keep having to remind myself that I have time, that my present self is just as worth investing in as my future self. I feel pressured to be more than I am because of some conditioned belief of inadequacy and worthlessness, but I've come to realize the problematic origins of feeling like I owe the world something. Sometimes I want to drop everything — the pressure, the stress, the academics — and become an artist. On the flip side, I know that if I took a different path as a creator, I'd have just as much stress. Creative professionals have their own set of challenges and insecurities, even if they are doing something that they love. And in spite of my concerns that I'm pursing education only because I feel like I owe the world something, it is still something that makes me incredibly happy. ◊